hope you are safe and sound after frankenstorm. it really wasn't too bad where i live, and thankfully there aren't any huge trees to cause trouble, so really the past couple days were just lazy for us.
now that the storm has passed, the weather is much cooler, cool enough to really break out the layers and faux fur. some may think it's gaudy, but i love the stuff. and how glamorous it makes me feel. and how cozy it is. i know some people hate this cold weather, but i am all about the layers people. the layers!
since this blog is also about me personally, i need to shift focus to something else in my life. i've already talk about some of my personal issues with friends and self worth, and now i need to get to my current goal of really getting comfortable with myself and what exactly that means.
one of my many talks with my husband has included that i often don't feel comfortable, or get annoyed because of my issues. it's not really the people i'm around, or anything else, it's me. the fact is i am a very impatient person when it comes to listening to me, or my feelings. a one strike, and you're out deal. i think that comes from be too permissive in the past when people didn't treat me well, and now i'd rather just block people out than deal.
my current target of this is my mother. gasp. no i'm not one of those bloggers who gushes about her mom and how wonderful she is and how i want to be just like her....[personally i am skeptical of those bloggers, and i think they can be so gushy because their moms live hundreds of miles away]. don't get me wrong, i really do have a wonderful mom- how she raised 5 kids and always seemed to do the right things- a sort of 'leave it to beaver' childhood. the fact is i am very like her in many ways, most of them good, a few, not so much. and that has been a source of quite a bit of uncomfortableness for a while.
it really all started about 6 years ago, with some deception on my part, and hurtful words on hers. apologies were said, but it's just been weird ever since. i know the weirdness is partly from me, not wanting to disappoint, and not really forgiving myself; but i know part of it is her too- maybe feeling my weirdness, and maybe judging, just a bit.
how hard was it for you all? to step out on your own, and really own your choices- knowing your parents would not approve. i know i'm 24 and should be well past this, but i didn't really every rebel, and the most i rebelled was to decide that i like piercings[my belly button], and tattoos[i have 3], and drinking doesn't bother me[in moderation]. i'm just not as rigid in what i think of others, and i'm not very shocked by other people's choices. she has voiced that she "thought we would at least believe the same". and honestly i really don't believe radically different. i just wish i had that permission, that it is "ok" that i am different from her....
but i don't think i'll ever really get that. and that needs to be ok too. it's just very difficult to retrain your inner voice to say "i am me. and i am ok with people not being ok with that." i am looking for that kind of inner peace with myself.
i know that my faith will play an vital part to this peace, but i also think that it is a part, not the whole. i am trying to get closer to god again, but i've been very close before, and still struggled with these issues, so i know i can't cop out at just that.
no one mentions that growing pains really last a lifetime.
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