faux fur and feelings

hope you are safe and sound after frankenstorm. it really wasn't too bad where i live, and thankfully there aren't any huge trees to cause trouble, so really the past couple days were just lazy for us. 

now that the storm has passed, the weather is much cooler, cool enough to really break out the layers and faux fur. some may think it's gaudy, but i love the stuff. and how glamorous it makes me feel. and how cozy it is. i know some people hate this cold weather, but i am all about the layers people. the layers!

since this blog is also about me personally, i need to shift focus to something else in my life. i've already talk about some of my personal issues with friends and self worth, and now i need to get to my current goal of really getting comfortable with myself and what exactly that means.

one of my many talks with my husband has included that i often don't feel comfortable, or get annoyed because of my issues. it's not really the people i'm around, or anything else, it's me. the fact is i am a very impatient person when it comes to listening to me, or my feelings. a one strike, and you're out deal. i think that comes from be too permissive in the past when people didn't treat me well, and now i'd rather just block people out than deal.

my current target of this is my mother. gasp. no i'm not one of those bloggers who gushes about her mom and how wonderful she is and how i want to be just like her....[personally i am skeptical of those bloggers, and i think they can be so gushy because their moms live hundreds of miles away]. don't get me wrong, i really do have a wonderful mom- how she raised 5 kids and always seemed to do the right things- a sort of 'leave it to beaver' childhood. the fact is i am very like her in many ways, most of them good, a few, not so much. and that has been a source of quite a bit of uncomfortableness for a while. 

it really all started about 6 years ago, with some deception on my part, and hurtful words on hers. apologies were said, but it's just been weird ever since. i know the weirdness is partly from me, not wanting to disappoint, and not really forgiving myself; but i know part of it is her too- maybe feeling my weirdness, and maybe judging, just a bit. 

how hard was it for you all? to step out on your own, and really own your choices- knowing your parents would not approve. i know i'm 24 and should be well past this, but i didn't really every rebel, and the most i rebelled was to decide that i like piercings[my belly button], and tattoos[i have 3], and drinking doesn't bother me[in moderation]. i'm just not as rigid in what i think of others, and i'm not very shocked by other people's choices. she has voiced that she "thought we would at least believe the same". and honestly i really don't believe radically different. i just wish i had that permission, that it is "ok" that i am different from her....

but i don't think i'll ever really get that. and that needs to be ok too. it's just very difficult to retrain your inner voice to say "i am me. and i am ok with people not being ok with that." i am looking for that kind of inner peace with myself. 

i know that my faith will play an vital part to this peace, but i also think that it is a part, not the whole. i am trying to get closer to god again, but i've been very close before, and still struggled with these issues, so i know i can't cop out at just that.

no one mentions that growing pains really last a lifetime.

oh hey, sandy

when the winds blow and the rains pour from a hurricane, what else is there to do besides watch movies, snuggle, and make pizza?

i worked saturday and sunday night, so i got off just in time to get home. gerson unfortunately had to go to work monday[only to have the base close at 11am], so jude and i slept a bit and watched disney movies. i crashed for a few hours once gerson got home, which left me wired that night. hence the pizza making, and picnic in the living room. once the baby was safe in dream land, we watched the entire first season of game of thrones[this marathon ended at 5am]. 

gerson's base was closed today, so another completely lazy was had by all.

happy weekend, and a haircut

today is more like my sunday night....knowing that i work the next two nights. 

but today is still friday, and therefor, still fun.

i treated myself to a hair cut today. i've been growing my hair back out, but i promised myself that this time i would keep it fun[growing out hair can be so boring]. i've been going to the same girl for 2 1/2 years, but this is the first time i've gone to the salon where she works. and let me tell you, she is fabulous. i've always been beyond happy with every cut!!! 

[if you live in the frederick, md area- look up kim grubbs at new york new york salon and spa]

tonight we're going out with two other couples from our church, dinner then the movies. pretty darn excited!

life lately, according to instagram

to grandmother's house we go

just a few shots from today. 

the perks of living close to home, where a little pumpkin head can get extra spoiled.

portrait of a sleepy monday

it amazes me how little sleep i can get by on. 

monday, i had worked 12.5 hours both saturday and sunday night. and jude didn't nap very much which meant that monday, i got about 2 hours of sleep...and still stayed up til 1 am the next day.

it should be noted that i did not get out of pajamas. all. day.

another birthday and a date

today is my dad's birthday. though we've had our ups and downs[being the oldest girl isn't always the easiest, ya know] my dad is truly a wonderful man. he is also a very simple guy. and never wants anything for his birthday- never. so this year, we all went to mcdonalds[don't judge] since the big macs were buy one get one for a penny, and i treated him, my mom and my sister to lunch. we rarely eat mcd's and rarely eat big macs, so we did this guilt free. plus that was all he wanted for his birthday! [i also gave him a framed pic from our recent family shoot for his desk at work].

courtesy of grandma's sewing skills

walking with the birthday man himself

the afternoon was spent scoring deals at cvs[love that store] and getting an oil change. nothing too exciting.

that came later, we dropped jude off at my parents and headed to our favorite local restaurant, Nikkos. Sushi, habatchi, drinks- the food is so good!!!!!!! it makes my mouth water just thinking about it, and i just ate! a few hours of just me and my favorite guy, no interruptions, was the perfect ending to my week. as much fun as jude is[and believe me, i'm not complaining] you forget how nice it is to just be alone together, and really focus on one another.

date night

 and now some outfit shots

i love the fall

little cheek

this little guy turned 9 months old today[where is the slow button?]

i was out with him the other day, just hanging out with some other people, and when i got home all i could think was i am so exhausted! now i have to say the people i was with are rather emotionally draining, but then there's the fact that i have jude. i never used to be so tired before! 

i've been finding that i have to pace myself more. i do love getting out and about, but it's either the mall or outlets, or a 2 stop maximum[car seats and the whole unloading and re-loading, dang]. honestly i still haven't been too impressed with any of the 'lug your baby around' equipment out there, there's just nothing quite like my own arms[though they do get tired]. 

the real kicker is when we're out with other people though. if it's just me and him, we're golden. add other people into the mix, i'm wiped and so is he. i think people just try so hard to get babies to like them, which ends up just frightening my kid, which makes me have to constantly sooth him, which just wears us out. not to mention constantly being approached by strangers who want to chat. a few months ago i decided to go to a bigger mall with him, and i treated myself to sushi. just as i was finally seated[the food court was so crowded] this older woman walks by and stops to comment how cute jude is. used to this, i say thank you and start to try to eat, while the lady decides to bestow some "age-old' wisdom. i am hungry, and my usually squirmy baby is actually behaving, and she keeps rambling. so i smile and nod, hinting with my chopsticks that i'd like to eat, and she still talks. she said that 'she'd better be moving on' several time, but no, she keeps going on. all the while i get more hungry, jude gets more squirmy, and i become increasingly irritated. especially over the fact that i am stuck sitting there, and this woman is not that old[i'm a nurse, and work with many elderly patients, so i know the difference between older and old]. she eventually moved on, by which time my sushi lost it's appeal, and i was thoroughly peeved. apparently being pregnant/having a baby= people can do anything/say anything to you. 

enough on that. i am trying to work on being more flexible, but i must say, being a momma stretches and grows one's patience in more ways than i could ever have imagined or considered. so many books on self-improvement out there, just have a kid and try to be a good parent- that will whip you into shape, on the double[if you're trying, that is] this is in no way an endorsement for people to just go and have a kid!

today we remember

Bentley Charles Nalley

today, at exactly 3:54 pm you turn one.

but instead of presents and a party, there is a memorial service here

while you celebrate with the angels.

thank you so much for reminding me to focus of the important things,

that life is so short and unexpected.

and please, ask jesus to send extra grace and care down to your mommy and daddy,

they miss you more than words.

you are forever loved, 

forever missed.

happy heavenly birthday, sweet boy.

becoming myself

from our family shoot- photo credit thomas g anderson photography

so the twenties

i'm almost halfway through [25th birthday in february]. i've spoken recently about my struggle with finding true friendship. however, the root of a lot of this probably lies in my self-worth issues. it's so easy to not think about it, to go through life with that nagging sense in the back of your mind, that you are never quite enough [whatever that means]. 

i mean, where exactly in life did we even get the sense that there was a "good enough"? and how in the world do i help my son to grow up confident, not needing so much validation from his peers/people in general?

it starts with me.

me. looking in the mirror, seeing myself, loving myself. me. recognizing when i feel insecure, jealous, bad- targeting those feelings and the reasons behind them. me. realizing that even if i never make another friend in my life, that it is ok.  that i am more than what others think of me. that i do not need their approval. that the only approval i really need is god's, and the fact is he loves me, and knows me, flaws and all. and quite frankly screw anyone who feels that i am disposable. 

because when i look in the mirror, so much of who i am is my parents, including their insecurities. and quite frankly, i can't stand the thought of jude feeling the way i feel sometimes. and, just as important, i can't stand the way i feel sometimes. those negative feelings have been getting less and less, but every once and a while, they rear their ugly head. 

like the other week, i attend the wedding of a former best friend. and even though it's been six years, a part of my heart just hurt. don't get me wrong, i was so happy for her happiness. and i am glad she has a new best friend. but in a way i was kind of jealous, even now, to see that other girl standing where i thought i would stand so long ago....[i know this is selfish, but bear with me] normally, i would never say anything about it, but that is just my problem. i never say anything about it, about the hurt, about the frustrations. i just bottle it up, and forget about the specifics, until it is just a vague memory. but the feelings are still there, nagging...stinging...dragging me down.

i can't say enough how helpful and key my husband has been in unlocking all these negative feelings.  there's a reason he's my p.i.c., and best friend.

i want to be a person of depth, not just that likable girl with the nice smile. and that begins with me really acknowledging my true feelings, and just being real[so much easier said than done sometimes]

when there's nothing else to talk about...

so today jude discovered just how AMAZING stickers are!!! one teeny little sticker[which came off a picture frame, i might add] kept this kid entertained for a good 15 minutes. and in the world of an almost 9 month old[that doesn't happen til next week, don't rush it] that is like 15 hours!!

can i just say how much i hate how this 1st year of his life is flying by? the first few months crept along nicely, then all of the sudden, it's like whoa! how is this kid mine? where is my teeny boy? then i go and look through some of the earlier pictures, and make myself want to cry even more. i really didn't want this to go by so quickly....

i need to share my pain so get a load of this people..

that sweet cherub face.... 

i'll stop crying now, after all, i'm loving seeing his personality come out. and recently he has gotten rather bashful, and tucks his head into my chest when people talk to him. he really is the sweetest boy i know. 

end of sappy momma post

for now...

yesterday

my friend had to work and her husband couldn't be home right away, so i got to watch TWO boys under the age of 9 months! and i must say, props to the women with twins and babies really close together!!!! it was actually a really good time, both of the boys behaved themselves. it was nice holding a teeny baby again too.

 

i just cannot imagine trying to get anything done when there are two babies who want to be held and loved on, and neither of them can really walk or get around on their own. 

 

my plan of waiting a couple years in between each child[birth control and lord willing]- still in place.

 

TWO sleeping boys[go me!]

jude just kept wanting to hold hands

these sweet faces<3

 

wish list

christmas is just around the corner, and thanks to the glitter guide, i'm already eye-ing up my gifts to be[hopefully]

the coolest skull- without being too goth from this shop

i'm craving a graphic sweater!!! thank you asos

cute calender now, cute wall art later

a cozy striped blanket is definitely calling my name

this fad is also making me want to try my diy skills out

my son's birthstone in a stackable ring

and the list goes on.....

what are you wishing for?