Blaaaaahhhhh

So there's been all kinds of changes for us since I last posted(in April!).

May 10th we closed on our first home!!!! Since then we've been settling in, adding two pups to our crew. Life has been very full to say the least.

I know I broke this rule before, but I'm about to break it again. Work. Ugh.

I just need to clear my head. 

My manager left our unit at the end of February, and our management took 3 long months to fill that void. In that time nightshift(what I work) lost a lot of our best staff... And my role has taken a nose dive. I'm the resource nurse, so I have my own set of things I need to accomplish, all while being a support for the staff nurses. And that has become an issue... I either feel like I'm performing my tasks well, or I'm a great support for the staff....there's rarely a night anymore where I feel I'm doing both well.

Which leaves me feeling like the floor mother, in all the worst ways. Not to mention the moral has been terrible lately, which only makes staff performance worse....

Typically I am able to handle a lot of stress, and remain calm; but this whole deal is so thankless and unrewarding.... 

We're to redefine roles for the resource nurse. Which is my one glimmer of hope for improvement... Time can only tell

life without the internet

can i just tell you how annoying not having interenet has been? (like ordering solution for my cat genie twice.) not cool.

so here i am trying to post from my phone. (i kind of hate it)

in recent happenings, we're basically one step away from knowing if that house I mentioned is ours(pinch me please). i am getting so excited.

it's funny how these big life events can be be such catalysts for personal growth as well. while the actual process of buying has been very smooth, i wasn't prepared for all the opinions that can come with house buying. and many of them were not the most encouraging. maybe this just shows i need to become more open the advice. or perhaps it's just another example of where i need to not anticipate other people's reactions(as underwhelming as many of those reactions were)

on the major upside, this move will bring us closer to some wonderful friends of ours. which will allow us to get involved in planting a church. i haven't been this excited about church in ages. we had our first core meeting last night, and will continue to meet on tuesdays. and my mind has been going ever since. excited doesn't even begin to cover what i'm feeling.

so many exciting things to come....

ch-ch-changes

 

hey you guys! look what's happening here! 

that's right, a little after he turned 13 months, jude took his first steps. just a couple weeks later, he's walking hand in hand with me!!! so weird.....sooooo strange. thankfully, he still mostly wants to ride in the cart[or in my arms]. he knows he's big stuff when he's walking around too.  always looking bak at me, like "check this out, momma!" 

and that's not all. we paid off our car and motorcycle this month! we still have another car to pay off, but it's 0% apr, so we aren't as anxious to get that monkey off our backs.

and

today we put a bid on a house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*disclaimer: this is a full year before we thought we'd be buying, so i will not be totally shocked if it falls through, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. we wanted to save more money, but this house just spoke to us....

first, my husband saw it online[he's forever perusing real estate sites] and he pointed out this house. i was like "meh". of course. but then he had a random weekday off, so we decided to go to shepherdtown[where we want to buy] and drive around. i suggested seeing the house in person[expecting to be dissapointed] and fell in love with the location. it's about a 3 minute drive from the downtown area. it's set back  from the road, surrounded by trees on almost 2 acres[check 1 off my husband's wishlist]. 

soooo then my husband set up a very low pressure showing, just so we could see...... 

basically it's perfect for us. 4 bedrooms(1 of which is on the 1st floor[bonus points for when we're older]), 3.5 bathrooms. eat-in kitchen, separate dining room, family room, bonus room, library,  laundry room, attached 2 car garage, and wood burning fire place.

it was built in the late-70's, and the decor reflects that, but i love the thought of going through and making it our own!

we just made an offer, so who knows if they'll even accept it. and there's a million little things that could go wrong, but we're feeling calm about it all[i think the other thing we're trying to change is a good distraction].

so we shall see.....

a sneak peek....

 

 

power lip

the above picture(no edits or filter) was taken 8 hours after applying my lipstick[l'oreal-british red].

eight. hours. 

no touch ups.

a fabulous lady friend, and make-up artist, of mine gave me a few simple steps of how to apply my lipstick so it stays all day. because honestly, what mama[or any lady] has time to reapply and touch up makeup throughout the day? not this lady. and i still swear to the fact that a red lip will make anyone feel fierce. even in the most casual outfit.

oh hey guys

been slacking majorly on blogging, but it comes in phases. sometimes i feel i have a lot to say, other times nothing. and sometimes i'm having a little too much fun living life, and have no time for this.

i turned 25 last month[quarter of a century people!], and while i still feel like the same person, i know i have made huge strides in my personal growth this year. there so much more to come, i know, but it's exciting to feel like i am coming into my own. i want to continue to feel more like myself, comfortable in my own skin and confident in my thoughts.

i also said goodbye to the pump, after exclusively pumping for jude for his 13 months of life. i still have some frozen supply that we give him in addition to whole milk[gotta keep that immunity], but it has been so liberating! no needing to schedule my life around my pumping schedule. it was very much worth it, but i so hope breastfeeding works out with any future babes. [more to come on exclusively pumping]. 

on another note, please check out that hat i'm wearing! i snagged that baby from stepcat, and i never want to take it off! i'll be wearing that amazing pom pom into early springtime!

unfortunately[or fortunate for my hat] we're supposed to be getting 12-18 inches of snow tomorrow. after having such a gorgeous day today, i'm in denial. especially since i was supposed to be driving to towson to see my friend on thursday. all i have to say, is if this snow has the audacity of ruining my plans, it had better get my husband out of work tomorrow!

to my dear friend

life has been hard for you, so much harder than it should ever have to be. ever since the day he left, and your entire world came crashing down, life has been a roller-coaster of ups and downs. always though, the void is painfully obvious. the mess he left behind.

some days, like these, are so very dark; the sun seems as though it will never shine again. and tears come easily. and everything hurts. and questions race. and your entire body aches with the missing. the mess he left behind. 

let it be. let it sink in deep. let your body rest and collapse. it is ok to embrace the mess. embrace the hurt that rocks your world. it is simply too much to deny. the mess he left behind.

but.

remember.

i've been told it does get better.

the sun will come. it's radiant light burning through the cold night. warming the grief to the bone. never gone, but transformed. this grief ocean, for now calm. the mess he left behind. now more beautiful.

a life so small. and so very brief. forever transforming the lives it touched. my own heart, forever changed. never doubt his impact, which will echo through the ages.

forever loved. forever missed. forever remembered.

what a beautiful mess he left behind. 

bath time

is there anything quite as nice as getting all squeaky clean in a hot bathtub? 

jude thinks not.

although we spend a lot more time standing in the tub, putting the washcloths on the built in shelf, then knocking them off- all the while singing with me in his sweet, happy voice. 

he was turning into a bit of a grump this evening, but the second we stepped into the bathroom, his legs started to kick with joy and an instant smile spread across his face. and to make the night sweet perfection, he let me rock him to sleep while we chilled in the living room with gerson. 

these are the evenings i want to remember forever.

my best parenting advice

now that i'm the momma of a 1 year old, i like to reflect over the past year- what worked and what didn't.

honestly the best advice i ever read, go with your instincts.

seriously.

there is so much out there. advice on how to nurse, what kind of diapers to buy, and how to burp you baby. it is overwhelming when you're trying to recall it in your sleep-deprived state with a seemingly frail newborn in your arms. so just go with your gut. if your baby is fed, warm, and safe- your doing well[the same goes for you- mama's gotta eat too!].

i'm not saying don't educate yourself beforehand, but you also have to be gentle on yourself.

and remember, that sweet snuggley baby is growing so fast, so put aside the to-do list and cuddle.

snuggles- the cure-all

i don't normally talk about work here; mostly because, while i love what i do, being a nurse is not my life right now. i very much prefer the momma/wife/friend role- my real life. [not to mention a lot of what i do is confidential].

i work ever saturday and sunday night, and i work in the charge nurse position. meaning, i direct the flow of patients on our unit, i act as a resource to my peers, check in on each patient to make sure things are going the way they should and nothing is being missed [and answer call lights, whatever needs done]. this is the expected part of the role, controlling chaos that happens in hospitals- i like it.

the aspect i do not like-more like hate- is the conflict resolution. when people aren't doing their jobs and need to be talked to about basic parts of their jobs. and there are certain individuals who i have had to talk about quite a bit. 

saturday night was the last straw. i will not go into all the details, but i[who stay very cool, calm, and collected; even when under pressure] was furious. it ended in me having a very serious conversation and emailing my manager[this has been an issue before i came to nights].

it was very liberating. i've talked before, but i was very serious and stern this time. and it was probably the first time i've had to act this way with people that weren't family. 

all this soul-searching and paying attention to self is paying off.

and jude snuggles and kisses that morning when i got home didn't hurt either.

one year

                        dear jude,

one year ago today, at 5:20 am, you were born.

you were so anticipated, from the moment we knew you were coming, our future bent and changed to reveal a different picture, a better picture. i was so nervous that something might happen, that you might not make it here [being a nurse, i know too much]. i am so glad you did. 

things kicked into high gear after the 20 week appointment, and we found out you were a boy, and you were growing so well! i had so much fun creating your nursery, getting the perfect look for my precious boy- looking high and low for the little touches to make your nursery fun and bright [and very anti-theme]. it had to be unique, like you.

i couldn't wait for you to be in my arms, i was beyond annoyed by the end, with all the comments and advice- why does no one just let me be excited? but i knew it would all be worth it to get you, a sort of initiation into the mommy club. 

i was so excited at my last few appointments! there's nothing better than hearing you might come early! i was scheduled to work up until my due date, and i didn't want to spend a single day of my 10 weeks off waiting for you to arrive. and you didn't let me down!

at 1:30 am, my water broke; and less than 4 hours later, your sweet face was looking into mine! my heart was in awe of you- your smell, your hair, your face, your noises, your everything. you were beyond anything i ever could have wanted, and yet you were exactly everything i dreamed of...

 you have caused me to grow every minute since. the lack of sleep, the fact that my everything now effected you- there was no room for selfishness. that letting go of self-centeredness [to a degree i didn't even realize] hurt- it was a type of growing pains i didn't even know. 

i say all that to say this- your first year has been the biggest gift to me! your sweet personality, your stubborn streak[no idea where you get that from], your kisses, your little voice and the way you already sway and sing to music- every smile and laugh. myheartcouldburst!

i'm more than thankful you are mine. thank you so much for finding your way to me.

                                      with more love than you will ever know,

your mama

              

the problem with social networking

i've noticed lately that i've become very irritated with a lot of what i see on facebook. once upon a time, facebook was a place where i could see what my friends were doing, and joke around[nothing indecent] and have fun. then enter the younger generation [like 5-10 years] who were annoying, but easy to ignore. then entered the older generation [40+] who insist on "friending" me, and constantly post obnoxiously polar political crap, and comment contently in annoying ways[apparently they do not understand internet educate- and come across very pushy and rude]. and they love to get into arguments with one another, and apparently have no filter-saying things you know they'd never say in person. they are the worst!!!!!!!!

i hide them in my feed, but they still appear on my phone.

*sigh*

i wish i could just delete them all.

which is why i like to blog.

because very few from my "real life" know i do, and i can be perfectly honest[and maybe a little mean].

somebody's turning 1

well as much as i don't want to admit it, jude's 1st birthday is next week!!!

we decided to get him one nice gift and open a savings account, since he just got a bunch of things for christmas; and really, he doesn't play with toys a lot.

tax free and free shipping! from this site

is this not the most adorable things you've ever seen? i love it, and the sound is so sweet! and jude thinks it's awesome as well[we had to take a peek when it came, after all.]

now to figure out exactly what to do for the party. it will be small, just our families. and since i'm 1 of 5 kids, that will be more than plenty to fill our apartment. i would have it somewhere else, but i just love having the 1st birthday at home, just small and intimate.

i'm not into themes. jude's nursery doesn't have one, and i know this party won't have one either. i'm more about colors, and i plan to use a bright color pallet for his party

i obviously won't use girly colors or a summer theme, but i love how bright this is!

i need to hit up the dollar store and target[and maybe a few others] to gather the bright supplies i need, but i am so looking forward to celebrating this sweet boy!

happy holidays[about a week too late]

just a small recap of our holiday break. the above pictures pretty much capture our christmas perfectly. it really was better than i had hoped. everyone says this, but it really is so much better when there's a kid involved! as you can see, jude enjoyed all the paper and boxes[knew he would], and we just enjoyed how low-key the day was. did i mention we didn't get up til 11 am? [i was up at 10, but i had to wake the boys so we could have a christmas "morning."]

the rest of the break was spent being lazy mostly, but we did manage to squeeze in a trip to DC, a date and lunch with friends in from chicago! 

 

the DC day was kind of a flop, apparently jude found the trip less than thrilling, and cried the whole time in the stroller. we saved our signature stop at juiliana's for the end- which was totally worth it! chilean empanadas and fountain coke is an experience every mouth should experience!!! [my mouth is watering for it]

and what can beat a cheap date night? we went to ruby tuesdays, where my parents had given us a gift card and i also had a coupon[yay for 35 free dollars]. then went to see the final installment of the twilight saga [don't judge]- which was also pretty cheap considering one of the tickets was free. so we ended up spending less than $20(price of 1 ticket and a tip) for dinner and a movie. heck. yes.

 

it was so good seeing my friends! we've been friends since high school, and they're some of the greatest people! the kind of easy, no-drama relationships we all love. i hate that the boys are in chicago now, but they're pursuing some big dreams, and i couldn't be prouder!

 

new years eve was so low key i have no pics of the ball dropping. we bathed jude, put him to bed, and ate junk food and watched movies. we may or may not have actually missed the clock striking twelve. a 12:01 kiss still counts though, right?

 

hope your holidays were exactly what you wished for!

here's to a fabulous 2013!

i've been a very bad blogger....

taken christmas day

thankfully i don't really consider myself much of a blogger. i'm not a proficient writer, and i don't have a husband to take outfit pics for me, and i'm not a designer, and i don't do crazy crafts all the time. i'm just a girl who loves clothes and her two boys, and i occasionally like to vomit my thoughts on a screen. 

but nevertheless, this screen has been a bit blank. i've been instagram-ing like crazy[and probably wil continue to do so, since they seem to be stepping back on the selling our pictures deal]but that requires zero thought- therefor perfect for when jude decides he is indeed the center of my universe.

[this has to be the most random post i've done. ever.]

but the past few weeks really have flown by! my husband was off the whole week of christmas, and we had a fabulous week filled with food, family, pj's and more food[and a date!]. and jude decided he would in fact crawl[he's been a butt-scooter] and today he stood all by himself! he's becoming so mobile, and he is delighted with our oooo's and aahh's. in short, it's been very enjoyable.

but now the holidays are over and birthday season begins! starting with our busy boy this month, me the next, and gerson in march! no post-holiday blues here;)

also, how can it be 2013?!?!?!? [yes, i sound old]