becoming myself

from our family shoot- photo credit thomas g anderson photography

so the twenties

i'm almost halfway through [25th birthday in february]. i've spoken recently about my struggle with finding true friendship. however, the root of a lot of this probably lies in my self-worth issues. it's so easy to not think about it, to go through life with that nagging sense in the back of your mind, that you are never quite enough [whatever that means]. 

i mean, where exactly in life did we even get the sense that there was a "good enough"? and how in the world do i help my son to grow up confident, not needing so much validation from his peers/people in general?

it starts with me.

me. looking in the mirror, seeing myself, loving myself. me. recognizing when i feel insecure, jealous, bad- targeting those feelings and the reasons behind them. me. realizing that even if i never make another friend in my life, that it is ok.  that i am more than what others think of me. that i do not need their approval. that the only approval i really need is god's, and the fact is he loves me, and knows me, flaws and all. and quite frankly screw anyone who feels that i am disposable. 

because when i look in the mirror, so much of who i am is my parents, including their insecurities. and quite frankly, i can't stand the thought of jude feeling the way i feel sometimes. and, just as important, i can't stand the way i feel sometimes. those negative feelings have been getting less and less, but every once and a while, they rear their ugly head. 

like the other week, i attend the wedding of a former best friend. and even though it's been six years, a part of my heart just hurt. don't get me wrong, i was so happy for her happiness. and i am glad she has a new best friend. but in a way i was kind of jealous, even now, to see that other girl standing where i thought i would stand so long ago....[i know this is selfish, but bear with me] normally, i would never say anything about it, but that is just my problem. i never say anything about it, about the hurt, about the frustrations. i just bottle it up, and forget about the specifics, until it is just a vague memory. but the feelings are still there, nagging...stinging...dragging me down.

i can't say enough how helpful and key my husband has been in unlocking all these negative feelings.  there's a reason he's my p.i.c., and best friend.

i want to be a person of depth, not just that likable girl with the nice smile. and that begins with me really acknowledging my true feelings, and just being real[so much easier said than done sometimes]