close to my heart

                                            necklace and both charms - Stella Salvador

By E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

both of these charms mean so much to me.

both are a gift to myself, from myself.

i first bought the larger charm and had e. e. cummings poem inscribed with my husband's initials and our anniversary. i wore this necklace when i gave birth to our son- it is so simple and so meaningful to me, and it's clean design makes it the perfect everyday necklace that you never want to take off--the fact that i got to decide what was hand-stamped into it makes it that much more personal.

i then ordered the smaller 'j' because i wanted to wear something for jude, but i couldn't bear to not wear my larger charm. i hate how two necklace chains tend to tangle, and i love the way the metals look together (the j charm is actually gold).

jewelry can be such a profound part of an outfit. don't get me wrong, i adore statement pieces, but i will always be a sucker for clean, wearable ones that give that special touch to anything you wear!

an outfit and shots

                                                  sweater-ross, tank top- pac sun, shorts- gap

as i've said before, i wish i had a way of capturing my outfits in better quality. but an iphone will have to do. i adore personal style blogs, but seeing as i do not have a way to photograph myself well, or the perseverance to make it a priority (pretty positive it would end up feeling like a chore)- random iphone shots will have to do.

last thursday was jude's 4 month checkup, poor boy. shots are never fun- and he let everyone in the office know it.

meeting jude

for whatever reason, i was certain my little boy would come a little early. i knew i was only a first time momma, and that normally he would be late, but still i had a little feeling. despite that i set a date to be induced on january 29th, one day before my due date, because i could not handle the thought of him being born late.

honestly, besides being 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced, i had no signs of impending labor. sure, i had braxton hicks contractions, but they didn't hurt at all and were very irregular. i just tried to stay active, i walked a lot, and was still working 12 hour days at the hospital. other than having a belly, i was moving around like normal- i hadn't slowed down a bit.

at 1:30 in the morning, on january 18th, i awoke unexpectedly feeling a bit crampy- then i heard (and felt) a 'pop'! and then felt warmth on my legs. i was not expecting my water breaking to be so obvious. immediately i began to have real contractions and i made my way to the bathroom to make sure it was really happening.

after a call to my doctors, i got the ok to come in. i awoke my sleeping husband, and told him "it's time to go, he's coming." gerson was still half asleep and responded "who's coming?" when i told him it was jude, i've never seen anyone spring into action so quickly. completely cliche, he was running to get our bags ad gather up the last minute items. as he ran them out to the car, i waddled around, feeding our birds and kitties. then he came back for me. the walk from our apartment to the car went slowly, my contractions were already 2-3 minutes apart. at this point i was still in control of the pain, i didn't talk during the pain, but i didn't need to squirm yet.

our hospital was only 15 minutes away, and we arrived quickly. my contractions continued to increase in frequency and intensity. i had pre-registered, but we still needed to be admitted. i was amazed at how much they still needed to go over and verify. by this time i was squirming with the discomfort in the wheelchair, and had to ask for an emesis bag. while vomiting and trying to answer questions, poor gerson was getting more and more antsy.

we were finally allowed to go back to labor and delivery. after being led to our room, i changed into the lovely hospital gowns, which positively swallowed my petite frame. then it was time for more paper work, while i was hooked up to the monitors to make sure he was tolerating the contractions. my nurse assured me once we were done with that i could get in the shower---i could not wait to get out of that bed. my signature became more and more illegible with every paper. she checked me and i was 4 cm dilated and 100% effaced.

i was finally allowed to get in the shower. in my pain-blurred state, i could not figure out how to turn on the hot water, i was so frustrated. thankfully my sweet husband got me to sit on the bench while he got the water to the perfect temperature.  oh, that glorious shower! did it actually relieve the pain? no, not really, but the hand-held shower head was perfect for spraying my back and shoulders. a nurse(not my own) tried to tell me to spray my belly with it, all of my pain was concentrated in my lower abdomen and pelvis, spraying it did nothing for me. by spraying my back and shoulders i was able to sort of counter-act the pain. and oh the pain, more of a dull, deep ache. i was alone in that bathroom- just me and my labor pains. i breathed, i rocked myself back and forth, and deep strange sounds came out of me. gerson periodically checked on me, but i don't appreciate company when i'm in physical pain. it was a glorious hour.

then i had to come out, to get blood-work drawn and an IV started. i laid still pretty well for the blood-work, but by the time they were trying to start the IV it was all i could do to keep my arm still while the rest of me wriggled around. they checked me again, i was at 9 cm- so they left to call the dr to have her come in. though i had dried off after the shower, me and my bed were completely drenched in sweat (and i normally never sweat). i was holding onto the bed-rail for dear life, as i didn't want to hurt gerson's hand. he tried putting an emesis bag next to me, in case i needed it- i knocked it off the bed. he said sweet things to me- i told him to be quiet.

then there was so much pressure, my moans dropped in pitch and increased in urgency- my nurse quickly came in. when i told her "it feels like i need to poop"(in a horrible kind of way) she checked me and said i was there- but i had to wait on the dr.

let me tell you, that was awful. not knowing when she would arrive i went back to clinging to the bed-rail, moaning and whimpering. the nurse tried to comfort me with "you're doing so good", i told her i just really need to push. she replied "i know, poor baby". to which i replied, through clenched teeth "please don't call me poor baby". 

let me just say i am normally a very nice person, but there's something about needing to push and not being allowed to that is pure misery. during one of these awful contractions, nurse pops her head in the door, saying my mom and sister are here, and did i want them to come in? now i had already signed a paper when i arrived, saying i only wanted my husband in the room, and i had made it very clear to my whole family that i did not want an audience. and i was experiencing some of the worst pain i had ever felt and was just annoyed in general. so in response to her question(i could not see her), i yelled through clenched teeth- NOOO! she promptly left.

after what felt like an eternity, my dr arrived and quickly got to work. that half hour of pushing was a blur- the nurse instructing breath now, me doing my own thing with my body, oxygen getting put on my face, gerson holding one leg and the nurse held the other. i do  remember the nurse telling me she saw dark hair, and then he was crowning----and there was an intense fiery sensation, and i screamed through clenched teeth.

then relief.

5:20 am- less than 4 hours from the start.

and the sweetest little person i've ever seen was placed on my chest. gerson was busy cutting the cord, and everything else went hazy- it was just me and my dark haired little love sharing a moment. we just stared, he didn't cry at all. as the nurse and doctor were busy fixing me up, the three of us- our little family, just stared, smelled(the best smell), and drank the moment in.

the most challenging, rewarding experience of my life began with this little boy

and i am  loving this new adventure

hey jude

to my blue-eyed boy,

from the minute i knew you were coming, a even before, i wished and prayed for you to be a boy that would look mostly like your papa. with nervous anticipation i waited for your arrival, planned and prepared for my whole life to change.

the instant that our eyes locked i knew for certain there was no turning back- you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen, complete with dark hair and sweet chubby cheeks! i was in love, completely.

those first few weeks were rough, little boy. you kept me up most all the night and we battled that whole breast feeding thing- with tears from both of us; but it was so worth it. despite my sleep-deprived, hormonally-crazed state- i was loving every minute of being your momma. every cuddle, every grunt and coo, every smell- they were parts of you that i cherished.

you are such a smart boy(doesn't every parent say that?)- but seriously, you are! giving genuine smiles and belly laughs at such a young age- always inquisitively staring around the room. you are a thoughtful baby boy, and i love that about you.

you are also super strong- you've had such neck control from such a young age, and have impressed us with your ability to scoot and flip yourself around, not to mention how you've loved to "stand up" from such a teeny age(considering you're not even 4 months old yet).

you are the best- plain and simple. your papa and i love just hanging out with you, wherever we are- anything we do with you is the greatest thing. you make life beautiful. i'm amazed how fast time goes with you, i really do try just to take it slow and soak up every minute i have with you...

little boy, i love you beyond description....

exclusively pumping

like many mothers, i was bound and determined to give my baby the best- which was breast feeding. i'm sure anyone who's had any kind of parenting classes or doctor's visits have heard the mantra "breast is best". as a nurse, i knew the benefits of breast feeding for both me and my baby---the passive immunities passed from mother to baby, the fact that it is the perfect food for him, the weight loss benefits for me, and the pros to balancing the post-pregnancy hormones. believe me i knew my stuff.

in fact the first 3 days of his life were great in the breast feeding realm---he latched well and was nursing like a champ with wonderful output(plenty of wet and poopy diapers). however, his bilirubin  levels were climbing-the poor boy had jaundice and the pediatrician insisted that i supplement with formula on top of breast feeding. and that, my friends, ruined everything. his latch was awful, my nipples were cracked and so sore from it, he was beyond frustrated and i was exhausted. after battling for a couple weeks i knew that we had to find another solution.

i had already gotten a great breastpump for work, so i began to search the internet on anything and everything i could find on pumping. SO frustrating! most everything i found was about pumping in addition to breast feeding, or it said that exclusively pumping(or epping) was not possible, that your milk would dry up and you would have to switch to formula. the overall lack of encouragement from the healthcare world is ridiculous really- they make it sound as though you either breast feed or formula feed, and if you formula feed you are a bad mother. believe me, neither is the case.

i finally found this wonderful site---it lays out everything so well. I highly encourage anyone who wants to give their baby breastmilk, but is unable to breast feed-for whatever reason- to check it out!

so far i am 4 months into my epping experience and it is going really well. i am going to be honest, it was very hard at the beginning- and if it wouldn't have been so important to me, i wouldn't have been able to do it. i have a wonderful stockpile of milk(my freezer is literally full of it, in addition to my fresh stock in the fridge) and the little guy is growing sooo well- with the rolls to prove it!

to start with i had a good quality double pump- trust me it's a necessity to get a good one(you can often rent them if you want to try it out before investing).

another wonderful thing is a hands free bustier- so you can multitask with your little one.

then you'll want to have a sort of pumping station set up- with whatever you think you'll need- water, food, laptop, book, baby things, etc.: in a comfortable spot- you'll be spending a lot of time there. i usually sit on my love seat with my baby in my lap, with a bottle and laptop(actually where i am right now).

the schedule you need to keep is rather brutal in the beginning. they recommend pumping every 2-3 hours- which is about 7-8 times a day for the first 12 weeks. i pumped usually 7 times a day, sometimes 8. i only pumped at night if he woke up- then i would pump and feed him at the same time.

they say you need to pump for at least 15 minutes at a time--or at least 5 minutes after the milk stops dripping to encourage production. they also say not to watch your milk drip(there is such a psychological factor to it). so i wouldn't watch the production, i pumped for 30 minutes at a time---or a little longer if the milk was still dripping. this is where the laptop or book comes in handy- the time passes much faster!

i was only able to keep that up for the first 10 weeks, since i had to go back to work. once i returned to work, i dropped to 5 pumping sessions a day on days that i work(i work three 12 hour days a week) and 6 sessions on my off days. i hope to get down to 4 pumps a day!

in the beginning,  i did supplement with formula(i believe it was just the first few weeks) just to take the pressure off me. i was only getting maybe an ounce from each breast- which looks so discouraging. and i cannot emphasize enough how psychological it is--stress really does effect your supply- i just had to remind myself it was early- and some breast milk was better than none. it wasn't long before my supply picked up though- now i pump around 40 ounces a day and he only consumes 30 oz of that which allows me to have a great stockpile.

as far as storage goes, i bought a bunch of the 3 oz medella storage bottles and concentrated on building a fresh milk supply, before worrying about a frozen supply. i keep my fresh supply at the top of my fridge(in the coldest part). i keep about a 3-4 days worth of milk. for freezing i bought 2 new ice trays with covers and i freeze my milk into cubes- once frozen i put the cubes into ziploc freezer bags and mark the date- it has worked really well for me, and it is a lot cheaper.

ultimately, a happy mommy is the best thing for a baby, so if you are not able to breast feed or pump- don't worry about it! i just wanted to share my own success story as an encouragement!

feel free to ask questions!

*a little update! i am currently 9 months into it and still going strong. i continue to pump 5 times a day, simply because i do not want to loose my supply as the winter is quickly approaching and i really want to give jude a good immune boost. i will say as time has worn on my production has dropped about 4 oz a day to around 36 oz a day. seeing as jude is now eating a lot more solids it's no big deal! so i reiterate- exclusively pumping is possible! you just really have to dedicate yourself to it. 

happy pumping!

the sound of silence

i've been thinking a lot about stillbirth, grieving and baby loss lately.

6 months ago, my dear friend lost her precious firstborn at 38 weeks gestation. bentley and my jude would have been 3 months apart, and we had so been looking forward to raising our boys together. the loss of a baby is such an unspoken subject. the way people seem to treat it is almost like the loss of a family pet- very sad, but you can "get over it".

it is nothing like that.

i've experienced so much heartache over bentley's death, which might seem strange to some, considering i never laid eyes on him. he was not my son, not my loss---but the fact that he is not here hurts. every time jude hits a milestone, it makes me think of what bentley should be doing right now, how much different his mother's life should be.

being a nurse that works on a palliative care/ oncology unit, one might think that i have become accustomed to death, and in a way i have. i do not see death as an entirely negative thing, rather, a natural part of life. however, the death of a baby or child is so unnatural, so unspeakably horrible. it is something no parent should ever go through, but it does happen- more often than we'd like to think or acknowledge.

i've been reading a lot of blogs that belong to mothers who have lost their babies. in an age where the internet is at most everyone's fingertips, i see no reason why people act with such ignorance- the flippant, cliche things we say to these parents wound them more than we can know. in reading, i have found so many heart-breaking tales, but also so much perspective. when you really try to put yourself in their shoes, when you allow your mind to go there- to imagine how devastating lost you would feel, you cannot help but to become a changed person. obviously in no way as changed as these mothers, but changed in a way that makes you more sensitive to their hurts. the road they walk is so very lonely. it is not fair that they should have to lose good friends on top of the loss they have already suffered.

This blog in particular has several post pertaining to what friends can do for a bereaved parent- the author herself lost her precious daughter, Felicity at 39 weeks gestation.  another amazing blog i found is this one- by dr joanne, founder of the MISS foundation.

the more i read, the more i care, and the more grateful i become for my sweet boy. i am blessed

bentley- thank you for teaching me how truly blessed i am- i cannot wait to meet you one day